I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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