Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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