True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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