i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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