if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
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you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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