I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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