Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
