haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
