Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
