I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
