I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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