i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
