In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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