Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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