I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
