pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
