If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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