Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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