I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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