I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
