yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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