16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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