Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
