cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
