I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
