Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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