Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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