i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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