I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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