we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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