he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
