just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
