put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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