Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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