omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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