Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
