wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
