Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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