i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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