Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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