sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
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Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
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this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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