I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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