Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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