I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
