Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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