Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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