My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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