i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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