I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
