i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
