I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
