I hate your face
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
