it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
