You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
