soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
