just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am available for nakedness
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
