shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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