so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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