Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
