Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We're too hungover to prance.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
